A Mike Royko column from 25 years ago
I can remember reading this back when it first came out in a magazine somewhere. I ran across it on the web recently, and the strange part is that things haven't changed much in the past quarter century. Ireland has calmed, but things have worsened in the middle east...
Dear God: Why?
-- by Mike Royko [May 5, 1981]
To: God
Address: Somewhere in the Universe
Dear God:
I know how busy you must be with a whole universe to worry about. That's why it occurred to me that you don't have time to read our papers and your TV reception might not be good. So I thought I'd drop you a note about how things are going here.
Well, things couldn't be going any better, at least as far as your image is concerned. You would believe how well loved you are on this planet today, and how much is being done in your name.
I hardly know where to start, there's so much going on. So I might as well start in Northern Ireland where you've always been very big. Ah, what religious fervor can be found there. The Irish Protestants are so devoted to you that they do everything possible to make life miserable for the Irish Catholics, because they don't think the Irish Catholics have the right approach toward worshiping you.
And the Irish Catholics do what they can to make life miserable for the Irish Protestants for essentially the same reasons.
In their great love for you, they shoot at one another, bomb one another, set one another afire, kill little children, bystanders, cops, soldiers, old ladies, and some are now committing suicide by starvation. Then each side buries its dead, goes to church, and gives fervent thanks to you for being on its side. It is very touching.
And one thing about these people: Their devotion to you is unshakable.
They've been doing this for about four hundred years. So it's a good thing that you have an entire universe at your disposal, because I don't know where else you could find a room to accommodate the souls of all the people who have died there in your name.
You're also highly regarded in a country called Lebanon, where just about everyone believes in you, although they don't agree on what you should be called.
In that country, there are Moslems and Christians, and they've created different sets of rules for worshipping you. Naturally, they say you have sent the rules down to them. I don't know if that's true or not, but if I may make a suggestion: If it's true that you gave them the word, it would really simplify things if there were only one set of rules. It would cause less hard feelings.
But such details aside, they are expressing their devotion to you by killing each other by the hundreds. I guess they figure that if one side can wipe the other side out, it will prove their way of worshipping you is correct, and you'll be pleased with them.
So every day, they lob shells at one another and blow up the usual men, women, children, bystanders, old ladies, and stray dogs. And every day, they take a few moments out to thank you for your support and to promise that they'll continue their efforts on your behalf.
Now, not far from there are countries called Iraq and Iran. The Moslems in those countries basically agree on what to call you, but they disagree on some details concerning how best to worship you. So they're killing one another, too.
It's more than a little confusing, though, because in Iran there are people who call themselves Baha'i, and they, too, have their own way of showing their respect for you. Unfortunately for the Baha'i, their way doesn't include killing others who don't share their point of view. So that makes them patsies, and the Moslems in Iran, in their love for you, have been kicking the Baha'i around pretty good.
Just a short missile ride away, there's a lot of religious action going on between a country called Israel and just about everyone else in that neighborhood.
The people in Israel also have their own set of rules for worshiping you, which they say you passed on to them. And they claim that you look more favorably upon them than anyone else. This has always caused a lot of hard feelings because a lot of other groups figure that they're your favorites. (It must be hard being a father figure.) Israel's claim that they're Number One has also made some people wonder this: If the Jews, after all they've been through over the centuries, are really your chosen people, what do you do to somebody you don't like?
Anyway, the Jews and their Muslim neighbors -- both of whom claim your complete support -- have been going at it for about thirty years. But I don't think they'll ever equal Ireland's record because they'll all eventually have nuclear bombs. Boy, when they start throwing those around, will you have a crowd showing up.
Oh, and I can't forget to mention this final item. Somebody just shot the Pope. As you know, he's the leader of one of your largest groups of followers here. The Pope is a very peaceful, nonviolent man, by the way, although his followers have been known to shed a few million gallons of blood when their tempers are up. Anyway, the man who shot him apparently did it because of his devotion to you. It's not completely clear, but this fellow seems to think the Pope was in some way responsible for somebody invading the sacred mosque of his religion in a place called Mecca. That, of course, was an insult to you, so he got even on your behalf by shooting the Pope.
Well, I know you're busy, so that's all for now.
P.S. I never believed any of those stories going around a few years ago that "God is dead." How could you be? We don't have one weapon that can shoot that far.
Dear God: Why?
-- by Mike Royko [May 5, 1981]
To: God
Address: Somewhere in the Universe
Dear God:
I know how busy you must be with a whole universe to worry about. That's why it occurred to me that you don't have time to read our papers and your TV reception might not be good. So I thought I'd drop you a note about how things are going here.
Well, things couldn't be going any better, at least as far as your image is concerned. You would believe how well loved you are on this planet today, and how much is being done in your name.
I hardly know where to start, there's so much going on. So I might as well start in Northern Ireland where you've always been very big. Ah, what religious fervor can be found there. The Irish Protestants are so devoted to you that they do everything possible to make life miserable for the Irish Catholics, because they don't think the Irish Catholics have the right approach toward worshiping you.
And the Irish Catholics do what they can to make life miserable for the Irish Protestants for essentially the same reasons.
In their great love for you, they shoot at one another, bomb one another, set one another afire, kill little children, bystanders, cops, soldiers, old ladies, and some are now committing suicide by starvation. Then each side buries its dead, goes to church, and gives fervent thanks to you for being on its side. It is very touching.
And one thing about these people: Their devotion to you is unshakable.
They've been doing this for about four hundred years. So it's a good thing that you have an entire universe at your disposal, because I don't know where else you could find a room to accommodate the souls of all the people who have died there in your name.
You're also highly regarded in a country called Lebanon, where just about everyone believes in you, although they don't agree on what you should be called.
In that country, there are Moslems and Christians, and they've created different sets of rules for worshipping you. Naturally, they say you have sent the rules down to them. I don't know if that's true or not, but if I may make a suggestion: If it's true that you gave them the word, it would really simplify things if there were only one set of rules. It would cause less hard feelings.
But such details aside, they are expressing their devotion to you by killing each other by the hundreds. I guess they figure that if one side can wipe the other side out, it will prove their way of worshipping you is correct, and you'll be pleased with them.
So every day, they lob shells at one another and blow up the usual men, women, children, bystanders, old ladies, and stray dogs. And every day, they take a few moments out to thank you for your support and to promise that they'll continue their efforts on your behalf.
Now, not far from there are countries called Iraq and Iran. The Moslems in those countries basically agree on what to call you, but they disagree on some details concerning how best to worship you. So they're killing one another, too.
It's more than a little confusing, though, because in Iran there are people who call themselves Baha'i, and they, too, have their own way of showing their respect for you. Unfortunately for the Baha'i, their way doesn't include killing others who don't share their point of view. So that makes them patsies, and the Moslems in Iran, in their love for you, have been kicking the Baha'i around pretty good.
Just a short missile ride away, there's a lot of religious action going on between a country called Israel and just about everyone else in that neighborhood.
The people in Israel also have their own set of rules for worshiping you, which they say you passed on to them. And they claim that you look more favorably upon them than anyone else. This has always caused a lot of hard feelings because a lot of other groups figure that they're your favorites. (It must be hard being a father figure.) Israel's claim that they're Number One has also made some people wonder this: If the Jews, after all they've been through over the centuries, are really your chosen people, what do you do to somebody you don't like?
Anyway, the Jews and their Muslim neighbors -- both of whom claim your complete support -- have been going at it for about thirty years. But I don't think they'll ever equal Ireland's record because they'll all eventually have nuclear bombs. Boy, when they start throwing those around, will you have a crowd showing up.
Oh, and I can't forget to mention this final item. Somebody just shot the Pope. As you know, he's the leader of one of your largest groups of followers here. The Pope is a very peaceful, nonviolent man, by the way, although his followers have been known to shed a few million gallons of blood when their tempers are up. Anyway, the man who shot him apparently did it because of his devotion to you. It's not completely clear, but this fellow seems to think the Pope was in some way responsible for somebody invading the sacred mosque of his religion in a place called Mecca. That, of course, was an insult to you, so he got even on your behalf by shooting the Pope.
Well, I know you're busy, so that's all for now.
P.S. I never believed any of those stories going around a few years ago that "God is dead." How could you be? We don't have one weapon that can shoot that far.
posted by Red Flannel at 9:33 PM
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